Nani... I love you.... and always will
"Nani… when you will be gone… you know what… you will continue to live with us, guide us… love us, rebuke us… and whisper in my ears… Honey!!!!!"
My Nani has passed away.
When I first heard the news… I didn’t know how to react. A while later, I realized that I have lost a part of my life. A part of life… that would never come back to me.
When I was partying a week ago… I didn’t realize that she was going through a painful effort to live… her brain tumour had deteriorated and she was suffering from fits… my mother was watching her die every moment… praying that the pain ceases with her heart beats. It is hard to forsake the womb that gives you birth… but my mother was trying to do the same.
Hearing my mother crying crushed my soul. And when I was trying to console her… I broke down… I cried. I realized how dear a part of life… I have lost. I have lost my childhood. I have lost lullabies. I have lost morning prayers. I have lost fairy tales. I have lost everything that was buried somewhere deep within me as memories of childhood. With one stroke… I ceased to be a child. I am not a child anymore and I will never be a child ever again. I have lost that embrace that made me feel like a child, made me feel loved and cared.
I have very faded memories… some told by my mother and some haunting me as jumbled flashbacks… I was a little more than two… when I fell into a pit of firewood… my Nani carried me to the hospital… and for two months, she nursed me day and night… when I look at my right foot… I see a patch of burnt skin… and feel her hands on them… reassuring me of her presence in my life.
If I live today… it's because of her.
I can go on and on… but a profound grief grips me… written words cannot reflect the pain of my teardrops… my forlorn heart… they cannot capture the magic of the lullabies that I still remember verbatim… they cannot bring back my childhood. For the first time I am disappointed by the written words…
They cannot even exonerate me from not being there by her side when she took her last breath.
Nor can they say… I love you Nani.
My Nani has passed away.
When I first heard the news… I didn’t know how to react. A while later, I realized that I have lost a part of my life. A part of life… that would never come back to me.
When I was partying a week ago… I didn’t realize that she was going through a painful effort to live… her brain tumour had deteriorated and she was suffering from fits… my mother was watching her die every moment… praying that the pain ceases with her heart beats. It is hard to forsake the womb that gives you birth… but my mother was trying to do the same.
Hearing my mother crying crushed my soul. And when I was trying to console her… I broke down… I cried. I realized how dear a part of life… I have lost. I have lost my childhood. I have lost lullabies. I have lost morning prayers. I have lost fairy tales. I have lost everything that was buried somewhere deep within me as memories of childhood. With one stroke… I ceased to be a child. I am not a child anymore and I will never be a child ever again. I have lost that embrace that made me feel like a child, made me feel loved and cared.
I have very faded memories… some told by my mother and some haunting me as jumbled flashbacks… I was a little more than two… when I fell into a pit of firewood… my Nani carried me to the hospital… and for two months, she nursed me day and night… when I look at my right foot… I see a patch of burnt skin… and feel her hands on them… reassuring me of her presence in my life.
If I live today… it's because of her.
I can go on and on… but a profound grief grips me… written words cannot reflect the pain of my teardrops… my forlorn heart… they cannot capture the magic of the lullabies that I still remember verbatim… they cannot bring back my childhood. For the first time I am disappointed by the written words…
They cannot even exonerate me from not being there by her side when she took her last breath.
Nor can they say… I love you Nani.
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